It’s all thanks to you…

The night after I published my first post, I laid awake for a long time dreaming about all the many topics that I was going to write about. I was finally going to be able to write and write to my heart’s content. I was expecting to have to hold myself back from a daily post. I thought it was going to be nearly impossible for me to keep from writing about every thought that entered my head. I was sure that I was going to overwhelm everyone with the number of posts I was going to publish. But then it happened. I had an attack of nerves and fear. I suddenly started to second guess myself. Did I really want to write out my feelings in a place where the entire world can read them? Were the things that I planned to say even going to matter to people? I was terrified. What had I gotten myself into? I wasn’t sure anymore whether I was up for the challenge.

My first instinct was to delete my blog and hope that no one even noticed that I was no longer posting anything. My wish was that everyone that had read what I’d written up to this point would have selective memory loss that I’d ever even attempted to write a blog. My second thought was to write out a post about how I’d changed my mind after all and wasn’t going to be writing a blog. I knew that neither of these ideas were very good ones, but I was desperate to undo what I had begun. I was tormenting myself with thoughts about others judging me (especially about people correcting my grammar and spelling mistakes as they read). I know it’s not right, but I have always been the type of person who very much cared what other people think. It doesn’t matter how many times someone tells me that it shouldn’t matter, I know that, to me, it does. Now that I had put myself out into the very public world of the internet, I had realized that I was opening myself up to even more judgement than I’d been used to in the past. I had to decide for myself whether I was up for this. I wondered if it would just be better to keep my thoughts to myself after all. I attempted to fill up my days with family, scrap booking, and reading in an attempt to put the blog to the back of my mind. I was hoping that it would just go away until something happened to make me decide whether I was going to continue with it or delete it all together.

And then something wonderful happened. I received some positive feedback. Someone who I have a lot of respect for, was interested in what I was writing. That meant the world to me. That was all I needed to overcome my irrational fear. Even if this person was the only one who thought that something I wrote was enjoyable, knowing that they will not only read what I write, but be backing me as I do so means a great deal and gives me the desire to carry on. This is in NO way a plea for everyone to respond to my posts and to rave about how much they are enjoying them and learning from them. Of course I do enjoy knowing that people are reading them, but I don’t want you to think that I am asking for feedback. I merely wanted to explain my silence of the last few days. The fear put a damper on things for a bit and I had to overcome it. Thanks to the positive responses that I have since received, I now want to continue to write. Not that I am now going to begin posting on a daily basis (for your sakes), but I will continue to post when there’s something that I want to write about. And that ends my rant for today.

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